Fabulously “Flawed”

This is not really meant to be a gratuitous cat photo, but she was the inspiration for this post.  You see, she makes these little noises.  I don’t even know how to describe them.  They are not purring….she does that at times as well.  But they are kind of like grunting sounds.  She’s fully awake or I might think they are snoring.  But they are different and really rather cute.  That is what I noticed….they are different, not your ordinary cat noises….and I find them cute!  (Stay with me!)

What IF instead of obsessing about our “flaws,” we find them cute….endearing….love-able?  What IF they were our signature instead of our shame?  What IF we played up our differences and decided we loved ourselves BECAUSE of them, not in spite of them.  If you will notice, I am putting the word “flaws” into quotation marks because I think we need to redefine them.  I don’t know what to call them but I think the word “flaw” has a negative spin on it.  Unique and beautiful feature is nice…I don’t know.

This has been a paradigm shift  in regards to body image.  Here are some great folks to check out: Rosie Molinary, Karen C.L. Anderson, Mara Glatzel, and of course… Brené Brown.  There are many more….who would you add to my list?

So I’m curvy.  Curvy can be beautiful.  What if I decided to love myself BECAUSE I am curvy?
So I have stringy hair.  Stringy hair has a natural beauty to it.  What if I love my stringy hair?
So I have imperfect skin.  What if I embraced every spot, scar, pimple, and stretch mark?  What if I decided THESE were the things that make me lovely?

So I have a quirky sense of humor that not everyone appreciates or even understands that I was making a joke.  What if I decide this is endearing?
So my house can be messy and I can ignore it and curl up with a book or movie and totally overlook the mess.  What if I decide this is what makes me peaceful and unique?

So every step closer I get to figuring myself out, the more I find I have to figure out…but I don’t run from it, I take a deep breath and walk barefoot through the brokenness to figure out more.  I DON’T see this as a flaw at all.  I see this as one of my greatest attributes.  The messier I seem, the more thrilled I am to learn about myself…  The more broken I notice I am, the more excited I become…  I feel like I am a patchwork quilt and as I put the pieces together and fit them into different parts of the quilt….I KNOW the completed project will be worth so much and hold within it the most inherent beauty.  Personally, I really like the quilts that are put together from scraps and have no distinguishable pattern…  I can run my hand across the stitches and FEEL the history and time and love and pain!  But in the end, the scraps make a beautiful quilt, unlike any other quilt….difficult, if not impossible, to replicate…

What so called flaws do you have that you are trying to embrace as fabulous?  Or maybe you already have…

What Happened to the Cookies?

When my daughter was 15 months old, she wasn’t talking. Her older brother started talking around 12 months, maybe before. I started to panic! A friend of mine was an early childhood specialist and asked me, “does she NEED to talk?” I was confused by her question, but she continued by asking, “when her brother asks for a cookie and gets one, does she have to ask or do you just give her one, too?” The more I thought, the more I knew she was right. I thought it was only fair that they each get a cookie or juice or whatever he asked for. She was just following along, cookies just dropping into her life, no need to speak. My friend said the solution was to make her talk. Make her ask for a cookie, don’t just give her one.

For the next two weeks, my baby girl was one frustrated little girl. I remember two weeks because it was hard on me, too. But looking back, two weeks is not that long. Oh, but to a 15 month old it is very, very long… Anyway, she did start talking and asking for her own cookie and juice. And talking leads to many other things, other than cookies. Talking is key…or I should say communication is key to relationships….something much greater than cookies.

How often do we experience stress when the cookies disappear from our lives?  Maybe it is growing or stretching pains and we don’t realize it.

My daughter is 17 now.  I reflected on this when she was just ten….and the trauma of two weeks working hard to get her cookie was long gone.   Here’s what I wrote when she was ten:

“As far as I can tell, she has no long-term effects of that trauma. What I do know is she can talk! She is quite good at the talking these days. She is growing and maturing and talking about how she feels, her needs, her desires, her dreams. This is something I could have missed out on if I wasn’t willing to allow her to be frustrated.”

Now that she is 17….I can tell you….she has really blossomed and can communicate beautifully.  It puts things in a perspective when we look back.  Can we  remember this in our lives now?  What “cookies” have disappeared from your life?  Are you able to  keep some perspective and find the lessons…..looking for the greater things to come?

The Heroic Journey

Not long ago I learned about The Hero’s Journey.  It is a pattern found in many stories and movies we love so much.  The hero starts out in “ordinary world” and then ends up in a strange and scary world by a choice he makes or sometimes by a choice someone else makes or by an unexpected life experience.  While in this strange and scary world, the hero faces challenges and often reaches a bottom, often called “the belly of the whale.”  Usually, the belly of the whale is where a great transformation will take place.

Okay, that is a crazy over-simplified version.  It is worth researching more.  It is fascinating.  You can read some here.  Another great resource can be found here (go sign up for her newsletter).

Ever since I learned about this, I’ve seen it everywhere.  I have watched movies, thought about stories, looking for The Heoric Journey.  Enter this life event…..

Two days before Christmas, fifteen years ago.  I had my niece and nephew (who were maybe 5 and  7).  It has snowed/iced and I was determined to get them home.  I loaded them in the car and started heading the 2 1/2 hour trip to their home.  I was about 30 to 45 minutes away  and hit a patch of ice on a large bridge.  I barely recall exactly what happened.  I think I ended up facing the other direction on the bridge.  I was scared, so scared to keep going.  In fact, I ended up heading back to my house.

I live in Texas, so we don’t have ice and snow much.  We did this past December.  I was content to stay hidden inside my house most of the weekend.  I was worried about my husband or son heading to work, and was helping them map their way to work without crossing any bridges.

Monday came around and it was time for me to go to work.  While the worst of it might be over, there were still bridges to cross.  Bridges that really triggered some fear in me.  I would slow down and get on hyper-alert while I crossed.  I was really wishing I didn’t have to cross the bridges at all.  But I did.  What I did each bridge I crossed was think about the hero’s journey and how the step of crossing the bridge was symbolic of life’s challenges.  It is actually fun to see life, even individual events, through the lens of the Heroic Journey.

Tell me….do you know about the heroic journey?  Can you apply it in your life?  Think about your favorite movie and see if it fits the theme.

Random Act of Kindness: An Exercise in Letting Go

When my kids were younger and would get “stuffitis” (wanting more and more stuff), I would tell them the cure for stuffitis is to give some stuff away.  On occasion, even now that they are entering adulthood, it will come up.  Stuffitis isn’t just an affliction restricted for children.  Adults suffer from this from time to time.  Similarly, we sometimes start feeling like we need to hoard the stuff we have, for fear that it is disappearing.  Lately, I think this comes up for me with money.  And with all the extra expenses that seem to come up this time of year with holidays and such, I was feeling that tightening fear.  I remembered the cure for stuffitis is to give stuff away and if it is money that seems to be the “stuff” I am wanting more of, perhaps I need to give some away.  The other day, I decided to act on this in the form of a random act of kindness.  I paid for the person behind me in the drive-through at Starbucks.

Little did I know that this simple act would bring up other issues….  For one thing, I was at the window at Starbucks a long time.  I guess they were really busy and it took longer to make my drink.  The girl did seem confused when I said I wanted to pay for the person behind me, which surprised me because I hear about this practice in various venues quite often.  I didn’t want to explain myself to her but she kinda shrugged it off and let it happen.  Since it seemed to take a while to make my drink (I of course ordered for myself as well), the cashier changed.  I found myself wondering and worrying about how the “the person in front of you paid for your coffee” would go down.  Would they even get it?  Would the new cashier be confused and charge them anyway?  Would no one benefit from my random act of kindness?  I was getting frustrated and wanting to do something like go back and see how it happened.  But the thing is, I don’t think that is what is supposed to happen with such an act of kindness.  You are to do this and let it go, allowing nothing to immediately come back to you.  No “thank you” or acknowledgement of any kind….just the joy of doing something for another person you don’t know.  The exercise is more for you than the person benefiting.  Or so I think….

So, this little act that I thought would help me release some fear brought up other things for me I didn’t even realize would come up.  I began to process my fear even more and realized I had wanted to control even this small exercise.  Before long, I would come to the conclusion that I needed to continue this exercise….repeat it again and again to allow me to fully learn and grow.  Letting go….a huge concept.  So I noticed I did this on December 12th (12/12).  I thought I might repeat this on the 12th of every month.  But I love to play games with numbers and dates sometimes, so I decided I would repeat this on the doubles of the month, as in January 1st (1/1) and February 2nd (2/2) and so on.  If it works well in 2014, I may choose something to try on the doubles in 2015.  And in a week or two, I am going to talk about having a word of the year and how this “doubles” exercise of mine will fit in with my word for 2014.

Do you ever practice random acts of kindness?  What have you done?  What comes up for you when do them?  If you haven’t practice random acts, have you thought about? What stops you from giving it a try?

The Next Step…

I was recently prescribed bifocals.  Wearing bifocals takes some getting used to.  One of the first things I learned was how difficult steps or stairs are.  Looking down, I naturally look through the bifocal that is for closer reading, so the step is blurry.  To use the proper part of the lens, the part for distance viewing, I have to lower my head and it gets pretty awkward feeling.   Up until now, I noticed stairs but I never thought about it, unless there were lots of stairs.  Now, even a few steps can be an exercise is awkwardness…..or an exercise in trust.

Trust?  I have stairs in my home and stairs at my work, and I usually make multiple trips up and down stairs daily.  For me, that means, I either need to walk up the stairs weird and awkward like…..or learn to trust that the stairs are there and take the next step.  Maybe I am odd but apparently I have made a habit of seriously studying the steps I am taking AS I am taking them.  I am having to learn NOT to do this.  I am learning to trust that the steps are there and just to take them.

As I look at this situation, it reminds me of life.  Oh I know I am a therapist and absolutely love metaphor and philosophy…..all that abstract, heady stuff.  I know that bugs some people.  But indulge me for a moment and look at the metaphor with me, and see the ideas I draw from the bifocal lesson and apply to life…..

• The steps are there, just take the next one and trust that they are each there and will give you solid grounding as you go.
• Is it really necessary to look so intently at the step you are on?  Feel it and see how it is there, rather than trusting only what you can “see.”
• Slowing down is not so bad.  Hurrying up or down the stairs isn’t always necessary.  Maybe I’ll pick up more speed as I learn to trust the steps more, but I do feel I’ve slowed down a bit going up and down stairs…..and it doesn’t seem to be hurting anything at all.
• Life gives you these opportunities to adjust and overcome, and learn that sometimes the “old” or “usual” way isn’t the only way.

What else do you think could be drawn from this life adjustment?  What has happened in your life that could be looked at from the point of view of a life lesson?  What steps are you taking?  What steps are you having trouble trusting?

My Book Addiction (or Learning to Trust Myself)

I have to admit something here.  I have a slight book addiction….or something of the sort.  I’ve known this for a while.  I seem to have a weakness for books.  And if I find a good deal on a book or books at the bookstore or online, that makes it that much more irresistible.  What I have pictured above is only a sample of the many books I own.  It was never more clear to me just how many books I have accumulated until recently when I MOVED them from one home to the next.  Books are heavy….

I remember a conversation I had with my aunt one time, who shares my affinity for books.  I was laughing about my addiction, when she said something quite profound.  She said maybe you keep getting books looking for the information on the outside, not trusting that you have the information on the inside.

Wow!  That was deep.  And how true….  Now, let me say this:  I still love books!  I love to read!  I even feel like books have incredible power and can be life-changing.  But….maybe….I need to learn to trust myself more.  The answers ARE inside us.  Get quiet and listen to the wisdom within  you.  No one is a better expert on you than YOU!

Now…don’t stop reading!  Read for pleasure….read for healing….read for growth….read for education!  But DO REMEMBER that you can trust yourself to have the information/answers within you, as well!

Any books you’ve read that you recommend?  Do you see yourself looking for answers on the outside, forgetting the answers within?  What other ways do we look on the outside when we might consider looking inside?

Completion vs. Competition

I have a friend who is a triathlete.  He trains regularly….running, swimming, biking.  Not long ago, I met another triathlete who said she had placed 3rd in a certain triathlon.  I thought of my friend and shared this with him.  He said, “ah….she is in it for the competition….I am in it for the completion.”  He went on to say that there is equal respect for all participants, whether you are competing or completing.  He said he isn’t at all interested in placing in the top.  He is just as happy finishing the triathlon.

I thought this was a great attitude and one that we could apply to other areas of our life.  Life is filled with opportunities to participate.  Is there something that you don’t participate in because you think you won’t be in the top?  Won’t be any good?  What’s the point?  Shift that attitude…consider participating just to be participating.  Be in it for the completion, not the competition.

What Doesn’t Kill Us….

By nature, I look at just about everything around me as a potential story for life lessons and wisdom.

The cat pictured above is my neighbor’s outdoor cat.  The neighbor said she got him when she had had a mouse problem and thought he could keep them away.  I have two indoor cats and one of my cats is named Scout (although we seldom call him that….usually Fuzzball or Boy Kitty).  Our neighbor’s cat….also named Scout.  Up until a couple months ago, outdoor Scout would be seen on occasion and would run away quickly.  At least that was my experience.  The closest I came to seeing him up close was when he was in my backyard and really wanted to meet my kitties inside.  I love cats and wanted to be friendly with outdoor Scout.  He just seemed skiddish.

Several weeks back, outdoor Scout was attacked by a bigger wild cat (which my neighbor successfully trapped and released into a woodsy area far away from our neighborhood).  Now, outdoor Scout was taken to the vet and treated and is doing much better.  But here’s what I noticed…he is not so skiddish anymore.  I see him more and more.  He seems to be more confident and proud.  In fact, he let me get closer and closer to him to take the photo….even rolled over and let me pet him:

Now, maybe I am projecting my own thoughts and experiences into Scout’s story.  But at any rate, I think it is a good story!  He didn’t become more skiddish after being attacked, he became less….  He took his experience and seemed to let it make him stronger.

In our lives, we sometimes get attacked.  Not always literally…  Of course, there are physical traumas that we sometimes experience.  But there are also times when people attack us with their words.  And then sometimes life just hits us hard…financial struggles, work struggles, family struggles….  Maybe we can learn from Scout to come back into our “neighborhood” (however we would interpret that for our situation) and be more confident.  It really depends on what we dealing with how that might look…but let’s look in our situation and see what we might can see.

Imagery is pretty powerful and so we can imagine that we are Scout, taking our place on the lawn, look around a little more relaxed…maybe even look for the moments when we can roll over and receive the love and “petting” from someone we used to run away from.

What do you think?  Can you relate?  Do you use imagery?  Do you see life lessons all around you?