What Makes Us Vulnerable Makes Us Beautiful

If my life had a soundtrack, the day I watched this video for the first time, there would be some inspirational music….music indicating a life shift.  In fact, I immediately watched it again and took notes.  It was November of 2011.  A revolution of sorts in my mind and life was launched.  I am not sure how many TED talks I’ve watched…really enjoy them….but the only one that I recall watching more than once is this one.  I read Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection and every single word of the book twisted me (in a good way).  I really tried to absorb and assimilate this information.  How many things are different in our lives because of our shame?  We are so stinking scared to be our real, true self….we walk around hiding.  It is all because of shame.  We are afraid of being vulnerable.  We push the shame down, convinced there is something inherently wrong with us and that we are the only ones.  Ms. Brown showed me, through her research, that we all carry shame.  I’ve really embraced this.

When I was young, I lied quite a bit.  Looking back on it, some of those lies were outright ridiculous, far-fetched….  But I was desperately trying to hide the real me.  I think I wanted attention.  Deep down, I wanted love and belonging.  But the lies I made up to hide the real me….were kinda out there.  Sometimes they’d freak some people out.  I also kinda think a lot of the folks I lied to knew I was lying.  Ironically, I was trying to hide some real stuff that would have probably gotten the “attention” I think I was after.  But that didn’t seem safe.  Some friends did reject me.  But you know, deep down, that was me trying to realize my fear…I was afraid they’d reject me, so I would push them until they did….but it was all okay since it wasn’t the REAL me they were rejecting.  Of course, this was done subconsciously.  And this is me psychoanalyzing myself years later.

As I look at the story from my childhood, it hit me that as an adult, there was more of my story I was hiding still.  I didn’t want to own my own story.  My story has to do with growing up in poverty and feeling basically invisible.  My story includes a separation from my husband where I really lost myself, truly believing I was unworthy of him and my kids.  My story includes addiction.  My story includes binge eating.  My story includes walling myself off from people.  My story includes working as many as  four jobs while my husband is out of work.  My story includes a period of time when we got food stamps.  My story includes a come and go relationship with God.  MY story includes a girl telling outrageous lies to LOTS of people.  MY STORY is packed full of shame.

As I reflect, I tear up….I don’t want MY STORY.  I want ANYONE else’s….no matter how jacked up it is….I’ll take ANYONE else’s….  That is the power of shame.  But here’s the thing…the scary, scary thing….to heal shame, we make ourselves vulnerable.

Brené Brown has written another book, Daring Greatly (which is also pretty aweseome), but I am still a HUGE fan of The Gifts of Imperfection because it is fairly short (130ish pages) and just about can read it, so I recommend to many of my clients.  Here is one of the most powerful quotes from the book (although, the entire book could be highlighted….at least for me):

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy–the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.  Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

I think we are gifts to each other on this earth, meant to share our pain and healing with….to grow and have abundance in our lives.  Finding someone to practice vulnerability with is crucial….it’s how healing can happen.

 

Fabulously “Flawed”

This is not really meant to be a gratuitous cat photo, but she was the inspiration for this post.  You see, she makes these little noises.  I don’t even know how to describe them.  They are not purring….she does that at times as well.  But they are kind of like grunting sounds.  She’s fully awake or I might think they are snoring.  But they are different and really rather cute.  That is what I noticed….they are different, not your ordinary cat noises….and I find them cute!  (Stay with me!)

What IF instead of obsessing about our “flaws,” we find them cute….endearing….love-able?  What IF they were our signature instead of our shame?  What IF we played up our differences and decided we loved ourselves BECAUSE of them, not in spite of them.  If you will notice, I am putting the word “flaws” into quotation marks because I think we need to redefine them.  I don’t know what to call them but I think the word “flaw” has a negative spin on it.  Unique and beautiful feature is nice…I don’t know.

This has been a paradigm shift  in regards to body image.  Here are some great folks to check out: Rosie Molinary, Karen C.L. Anderson, Mara Glatzel, and of course… Brené Brown.  There are many more….who would you add to my list?

So I’m curvy.  Curvy can be beautiful.  What if I decided to love myself BECAUSE I am curvy?
So I have stringy hair.  Stringy hair has a natural beauty to it.  What if I love my stringy hair?
So I have imperfect skin.  What if I embraced every spot, scar, pimple, and stretch mark?  What if I decided THESE were the things that make me lovely?

So I have a quirky sense of humor that not everyone appreciates or even understands that I was making a joke.  What if I decide this is endearing?
So my house can be messy and I can ignore it and curl up with a book or movie and totally overlook the mess.  What if I decide this is what makes me peaceful and unique?

So every step closer I get to figuring myself out, the more I find I have to figure out…but I don’t run from it, I take a deep breath and walk barefoot through the brokenness to figure out more.  I DON’T see this as a flaw at all.  I see this as one of my greatest attributes.  The messier I seem, the more thrilled I am to learn about myself…  The more broken I notice I am, the more excited I become…  I feel like I am a patchwork quilt and as I put the pieces together and fit them into different parts of the quilt….I KNOW the completed project will be worth so much and hold within it the most inherent beauty.  Personally, I really like the quilts that are put together from scraps and have no distinguishable pattern…  I can run my hand across the stitches and FEEL the history and time and love and pain!  But in the end, the scraps make a beautiful quilt, unlike any other quilt….difficult, if not impossible, to replicate…

What so called flaws do you have that you are trying to embrace as fabulous?  Or maybe you already have…

If I Had a Book Club

Occasionally I will run across online book clubs and who can forget Oprah’s Book Club?  I have friends who have been in book clubs, and I even attended one meeting of a friend’s book club.  And I think they are a great idea….yet I have never really jumped into a group, online or otherwise.  But….if i were to have a book club for self-help books or psychology/therapy books, I know 3 books that would go on the top of my list!  Here they are:

1. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown.  She has some awesome videos online that are worth your perusal (Google her if you haven’t seen them).  She also has an equally awesome book that was just recently released that I’d recommend as well.  But, what I love about The Gifts of Imperfection is it is a quick read.  It is something like 130 pages long and you could easily read it in a couple of hours!  And I love how it is so practical….each chapter gives you some key points and action steps!  You can read this book over and over.  Her writing style feels comfortable and real!  We will all relate to her and, in turn, relate more with each other!  I don’t recommend borrowing this book because I think you’ll want a copy of your own to return to periodically! 
2. Why You Do the Things You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy.  I would classify this book as highly based in Attachment Theory.  These two authors really apply attachment theory to adult relationships.  In my practice, I used to mostly focus on children and attachment.  I love how this book really shows how we develop relationship styles.  As you read this book, you will see yourself and loved ones described.  You may have a few a-ha moments here and there.  The first half of the book really goes into the different relationship styles, while the second half gives you some ideas on how to heal if you have insecure relationships.  This book is a Christian book, which will be important for some readers.  I believe the information is equally helpful for Christians and non-Christians alike.
3. Anger:  Deal with It, Heal with It, and Stop It from Killing You by Dr. William DeFoore.  I recently had the opportunity to hear Dr. DeFoore speak and absolutely loved his presentation.  I loved how he normalized feeling angry and how it can be healthy.  We so often are taught NOT to be angry by our caregivers and society.  This book teaches us how to be angry and all the emotions that go in with the anger.  This book is about so much more than anger.  It is about emotional healing!

What books would you add to this list?  Have you read any of these books?  What are your thoughts?  I would love to hear from you.  As I wrote this blog post, each of these books were under $12.00.  Any one of them would be a great investment, in my humble opinion!