The question isn’t who is going to let m

The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me. -Ayn Rand

Vision Board

A few years ago, I created a vision board for the year.  Since then, I have made them every year.  I am not sure if I do them “right,” but I really enjoy the process. I flip through some magazines and cut out images or phrases that “talked to me.”  Sometimes a theme develops.  Then, I keep it up (in my closet)and allow it to nurture my soul.

I sometimes add to it if needed throughout the year, and I write the year and the word of the year.  I need to find a way to save these, as I have kept them hung in my closet but am running out of room.  🙂

One Word

This is my 5th year to choose a word for the year.  Each year I have a word that teaches me.  It often begins teaching me towards the end of the previous year.  Everyone chooses a word differently.  The word itself, or it’s theme and meaning, may just keep showing up so you pay attention.  Maybe it is something you want to learn more about or cultivate.  It has been a fun journey for me to try over the last few years.

If you chose a word for 2015, what did you choose and why?

Maybe you want to read what I wrote last year.

What Makes Us Vulnerable Makes Us Beautiful

If my life had a soundtrack, the day I watched this video for the first time, there would be some inspirational music….music indicating a life shift.  In fact, I immediately watched it again and took notes.  It was November of 2011.  A revolution of sorts in my mind and life was launched.  I am not sure how many TED talks I’ve watched…really enjoy them….but the only one that I recall watching more than once is this one.  I read Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection and every single word of the book twisted me (in a good way).  I really tried to absorb and assimilate this information.  How many things are different in our lives because of our shame?  We are so stinking scared to be our real, true self….we walk around hiding.  It is all because of shame.  We are afraid of being vulnerable.  We push the shame down, convinced there is something inherently wrong with us and that we are the only ones.  Ms. Brown showed me, through her research, that we all carry shame.  I’ve really embraced this.

When I was young, I lied quite a bit.  Looking back on it, some of those lies were outright ridiculous, far-fetched….  But I was desperately trying to hide the real me.  I think I wanted attention.  Deep down, I wanted love and belonging.  But the lies I made up to hide the real me….were kinda out there.  Sometimes they’d freak some people out.  I also kinda think a lot of the folks I lied to knew I was lying.  Ironically, I was trying to hide some real stuff that would have probably gotten the “attention” I think I was after.  But that didn’t seem safe.  Some friends did reject me.  But you know, deep down, that was me trying to realize my fear…I was afraid they’d reject me, so I would push them until they did….but it was all okay since it wasn’t the REAL me they were rejecting.  Of course, this was done subconsciously.  And this is me psychoanalyzing myself years later.

As I look at the story from my childhood, it hit me that as an adult, there was more of my story I was hiding still.  I didn’t want to own my own story.  My story has to do with growing up in poverty and feeling basically invisible.  My story includes a separation from my husband where I really lost myself, truly believing I was unworthy of him and my kids.  My story includes addiction.  My story includes binge eating.  My story includes walling myself off from people.  My story includes working as many as  four jobs while my husband is out of work.  My story includes a period of time when we got food stamps.  My story includes a come and go relationship with God.  MY story includes a girl telling outrageous lies to LOTS of people.  MY STORY is packed full of shame.

As I reflect, I tear up….I don’t want MY STORY.  I want ANYONE else’s….no matter how jacked up it is….I’ll take ANYONE else’s….  That is the power of shame.  But here’s the thing…the scary, scary thing….to heal shame, we make ourselves vulnerable.

Brené Brown has written another book, Daring Greatly (which is also pretty aweseome), but I am still a HUGE fan of The Gifts of Imperfection because it is fairly short (130ish pages) and just about can read it, so I recommend to many of my clients.  Here is one of the most powerful quotes from the book (although, the entire book could be highlighted….at least for me):

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy–the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.  Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

I think we are gifts to each other on this earth, meant to share our pain and healing with….to grow and have abundance in our lives.  Finding someone to practice vulnerability with is crucial….it’s how healing can happen.

 

Thought Bubbles

Wouldn’t it be great if we had thought bubbles in real life that we could take a moment and read?

Since we can’t look up at our thought bubbles, we have to take time out and notice our thoughts from time to time.  Our thoughts are so powerful and yet they are often so automatic and potentially running things on inaccurate or outdated beliefs.

Let me give you an example.  The other day I was at a stoplight behind a Mercedes.  For a second, when I noticed it was a Mercedes, I said to myself, “I wish I had a Mercedes….they are well made cars!”  It surprised me to have such a thought, so I began examining it.  Where did this thought come from?  Then I pieced it together.  I remember my friend’s father making this statement when I was 13 years old.  He said, “Mercedes are good cars….they might be pricey but they last forever.”  He made this statement one time in my presence.  I have not pursued researching Mercedes or cars for that matter.  I really have no idea if that statement was true or is true.  It was a little thought “seed” planted twenty some years ago.

After thinking about the Mercedes thought, it made me curious how many thoughts are deeper within my conscious and ready to pop up.  I think it is important to try to catch thoughts….especially if they cause us stress or run havoc in our lives.  I believe it is Echart Tolle who says, “You don’t have to believe everything you think!”

A simple thought, seemingly from one little spoken work over twenty years ago….snuck up on me and was harmless.  I am more fascinated by my thought popping up than I am interested in continuing to believe the thought….or even figuring out if it is true.  How many thoughts are running through our minds, charged with emotion, and we don’t even take the time to look at them more closely?

Look at your metaphorical thought bubbles this week and see what you notice.  It might be kinda silly, like mine was.  It could be a bigger shift in your life then you expect, simply by exploring these little things we call thoughts!

Is Gratitude Really That Big of a Deal?

I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude lately.  A year or so ago, I wrote about a time that I really understood the power of gratitude.  I have heard for many years about how important it is to practice gratitude.  It is one of those things that we all think is a good idea but do we actually put them into practice?

Last year, I started a journal project (a bit like what I talked about here)….I have a small notebook and decided I would write 100 Days of gratitude.  I had planned to finish it near Thanksgiving or Christmas (I can’t even remember now)…..and after the 100 Days was through, I just kept going.  This morning was 240 something.

What I do is write at the top of the page “Day240” and the date.  Then I list a few things I am grateful for.  Usually I am thinking of the day before, since I do this in the morning.  Let me just tell you….I absolutely LOVE this practice!  I fill up the page….it is usually 4 or 5 things.  I look forward to writing events in it.  I will be thinking about my day, as it is happening, excited to write it in my journal the next day.  It makes me doubly grateful because I am more “actively” grateful as it is happening.  And sometimes….it’s triple….because I will look forward to an event, ready to experience it, knowing I am going to get to write it in the journal….

An extra bonus….sometimes an extra unique way of letting someone know you are enjoying time with them or something that happened….you can say, “I am putting this in my gratitude journal tomorrow.”  I think people enjoy hearing that….and it is the truth!

I can remember thinking that writing things you are grateful for seemed so simple, how can it make a difference?  I can also remember thinking, sounds like something I should try.  I believe it is something that really needs to be experienced.

Start a journal or a list of things you are grateful for.  Or start sending emails to yourself of things you are grateful for.  I feel certain there are apps you can download that would help make a gratitude list.  Share with me what you do!  I would love to hear other ways or what benefits you see of being grateful!

Fabulously “Flawed”

This is not really meant to be a gratuitous cat photo, but she was the inspiration for this post.  You see, she makes these little noises.  I don’t even know how to describe them.  They are not purring….she does that at times as well.  But they are kind of like grunting sounds.  She’s fully awake or I might think they are snoring.  But they are different and really rather cute.  That is what I noticed….they are different, not your ordinary cat noises….and I find them cute!  (Stay with me!)

What IF instead of obsessing about our “flaws,” we find them cute….endearing….love-able?  What IF they were our signature instead of our shame?  What IF we played up our differences and decided we loved ourselves BECAUSE of them, not in spite of them.  If you will notice, I am putting the word “flaws” into quotation marks because I think we need to redefine them.  I don’t know what to call them but I think the word “flaw” has a negative spin on it.  Unique and beautiful feature is nice…I don’t know.

This has been a paradigm shift  in regards to body image.  Here are some great folks to check out: Rosie Molinary, Karen C.L. Anderson, Mara Glatzel, and of course… Brené Brown.  There are many more….who would you add to my list?

So I’m curvy.  Curvy can be beautiful.  What if I decided to love myself BECAUSE I am curvy?
So I have stringy hair.  Stringy hair has a natural beauty to it.  What if I love my stringy hair?
So I have imperfect skin.  What if I embraced every spot, scar, pimple, and stretch mark?  What if I decided THESE were the things that make me lovely?

So I have a quirky sense of humor that not everyone appreciates or even understands that I was making a joke.  What if I decide this is endearing?
So my house can be messy and I can ignore it and curl up with a book or movie and totally overlook the mess.  What if I decide this is what makes me peaceful and unique?

So every step closer I get to figuring myself out, the more I find I have to figure out…but I don’t run from it, I take a deep breath and walk barefoot through the brokenness to figure out more.  I DON’T see this as a flaw at all.  I see this as one of my greatest attributes.  The messier I seem, the more thrilled I am to learn about myself…  The more broken I notice I am, the more excited I become…  I feel like I am a patchwork quilt and as I put the pieces together and fit them into different parts of the quilt….I KNOW the completed project will be worth so much and hold within it the most inherent beauty.  Personally, I really like the quilts that are put together from scraps and have no distinguishable pattern…  I can run my hand across the stitches and FEEL the history and time and love and pain!  But in the end, the scraps make a beautiful quilt, unlike any other quilt….difficult, if not impossible, to replicate…

What so called flaws do you have that you are trying to embrace as fabulous?  Or maybe you already have…

Doodling

I find myself doodling quite a bit these days. One thing that I find myself doodling over and over, even if it is in the air, is a butterfly. I collect penguins and ladybugs…why don’t I doodle them? Sure, I could doodle these, too…but I tend to doodle butterflies more than anything and quite a few flowers.  Even when I write in my gratitude journal, I draw a little flower or butterfly next to each thing I am grateful for….or maybe a little heart.   I got to wondering what this might mean about me, so I looked it up! I found an interesting article here and learned that my flowers may indicate a gentle personality, a love of nature, and sometimes childlike innocence. I found an article online once, that I can no longer find that said some similar things but it said that flowers are doodled by social workers quite a bit…and…well….I AM a social worker! And yet another more extensive link has even more analysis of doodles!

I looked for butterfly doodles and really didn’t find much, so I had to analyze myself. The butterfly is a symbol of healing and growth. If a caterpillar wasn’t allowed to grow and push through the cocoon on its own, it never would be able to fly. That represents to me what I believe…adversity builds our strength…so that we will one day be able to fly.Do you doodle?  What types of doodles do you find yourself making?  What do you think they represent?

My 3 Pages

Several years ago, I followed the instructions of Cheryl Richardson in an intriguing book. She said to journal 3 pages a day for 30 days. I did that for 30 days. It happened at a very stressful time in my life and that journaling really helped me at the time, as well as serves as a reminder to how difficult that time was should I go back and read over it. This reminder is nice to know I survived a really awful time and can survive again. For some reason, after I did the 30 days, I quit. From time to time I pick that journal up and usually try to push myself to write 3 pages. I think that is key to push yourself to write 3 pages, even if all you say is “I don’t know what to write” over and over. Some call it “free writing” or “free narrative.”  Something cool happens if you just keep your pen or pencil moving, some “embedded” thoughts come out and you surprise yourself. Blogging or typing on the computer is fun and can be like journaling, but writing in actual handwriting in a notebook is what I’m talking about!

 

This is a quick tip….consider journaling 3 pages a day for 30 days.  If you want to read more about journaling, check out my very first blog post here.

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Marriage

I have a friend and fellow therapist who is “taking the plunge”and getting married this summer.  I saw her over the weekend, and I am so excited for her.  Another therapist and I were sharing some of our advice, as therapists….as well as married people.

This past September, I celebrated my 21st wedding anniversary!  And over the years, my husband and I have attended some marriage conferences and trainings and retreats and events.  We have read some books and have quite a library of marriage resources.  A few years ago, the two of us became facilitators of a marriage class through Family Dynamics Institute, although we only facilitated one class.  He and I have gone through training to be marriage mentors at one time with a local program.  You could say the two of us believe in the institute of marriage and maybe some would even bestow upon us the title of being (or at least close to) “experts”.  And if I told you we had a perfect marriage, I would be lying.  We have certainly had plenty of struggles…..I mean BIG struggles….I mean devastating and HUGE struggles.   So, I have been sorting through my EXPERIENCE as well as some of the incredible knowledge I’ve imparted from a multitude of professionals and experts on marriage.  And I do have some thoughts….

• First of all, GET YOURSELF HEALTHY!  A few years back, we heard Dr. Les Parrott speak a couple times and he stated that he and Neil Clark Warren (co founder of a successful dating website) determined the best dating advice they could give is:  “Get yourself healthy before you get yourself married.”  They talk about how so many people expect marriage to be the healing force for them, the way to become “complete,” but that this type of thinking only causes problems.  Of course, I am paraphrasing and if you want to learn more…perhaps search the Parrott’s website (husband and wife team speaking/teaching on marriage).  As a counselor, I would like to add that this concept doesn’t end with marriage.  Sure, it would be ideal if you got yourself healthy before you got married….but what do you do if you ended up getting married and weren’t healthy…maybe you didn’t realize how deep your problems were…maybe something has happened within your marriage or after your marriage that has created pain that has festered and here you are unhealthy AFTER your marriage.  Get yourself healthy now!  If both of you have healing that needs to be had, and you are the only one interested….do it alone!  Healing is a difficult journey!  It is hard work and requires commitment and intention!  But it is a journey worth taking!  Find yourself a counselor.  A good one!  If you don’t like the one you try, try another.  Every counselor has their own theories and approaches in counseling, but they can facilitate some incredible healing.  I can tell you, though, the most success I’ve seen with individuals in counseling is when the client gets serious about healing and follows through with recommendations by the professional!  A good counselor guides you, you do the work….and it doesn’t have to be in your 45 minutes once a week….ideally SHOULDN’T be!  Healthy people have counselors (that should be on my business cards)!  Look for groups you can be a part.  If you suffer from addictions, find a group that is for your particular addiction.  If you’re the child of an alcoholic or addict or have a close friend who is one, or if you are married to one (even if they are in recovery), chances are really good that some bad habits have surfaced in you that has led to some of the problems you may have now, find a good Al-Anon group.  If you have suffered from sexual abuse as a child or adult, check with your local women’s shelter or crisis center, see if they have any support groups you could get involved in.  Check around, there may be self-help groups you didn’t even realize were available at churches or with a non-profit agency that would be a good fit.  Much like with finding a counselor, use discernment.  You want a good fit and there may be other options.    But also keep in mind, if it feels uncomfortable it could be that the hurt is speaking to you and wants to keep hiding.  We gotta face that hurt, walk through that brokenness….to find that healing.  And if all of that falls through, there are some good books out there that might help…often with practical exercises, mostly journaling types of things.  One of my favorite books that I recommend often to clients is Why You Do the Things You Do.  It is a book written by Christian counselors, but the psychological information is applicable, even if you don’t consider yourself a Christian.  I recommend it to many clients and it insightful regarding our “relationship style.”  There are many others, books and workbooks, that you could try.  So get yourself healthy….get a counselor, find a group, or dig into some books and do the exercises….journal, journal, journal!  Or better yet, do all three!
• Second, recognize that marriage is hard work.  At my wedding, a great friend and mentor said to me, “the work is just beginning….this is hard work.”  As you may know, you are floating through the air at your wedding and no one can burst that bubble.  Are you kidding me?  This is gonna be so much fun….we are going to be so happy….we are IN LOVE!!!  Little did I know, that advice has probably been some of the best advice I ever received.  Let’s get real, shall we….it is not easy to live with ANYONE, right?  Even the best of friends who spend tons of time together can decide to become roommates and all of a sudden, something happens and you learn more than you ever wanted to about the friend….all illusion or fantasy is gone the minute you walk into a bathroom and their clothes are all over the floor….or they leave their dishes in the sink forever….or they just plain become annoying.  Marriage aside, have you ever experienced this phenomenon?  You thought you were best friends until you spent a week together or shared an apartment together and found out….maybe not.  Sometimes those relationships can be repaired….sometimes they never are.  So, you gotta work at the relationship.  Once, my husband and I were reviewing some questions (an exercise to open communications with your spouse).  The question was, “What is the foundation of your marriage?”   We talked it through and we came up with commitment.  Sometimes, one of us is more committed than the other.  Sometimes, both of us are hanging on by our toenails.  And then sometimes, we are both on the same page, both committed, both determined!  But the thread that keeps us together is that commitment.  There are other nice things that fill in the gap….love, affection, respect, spirituality….but when it is just the toenails hanging on….my friend, it has been the commitment that has held us.  Commitment to what, you ask?  Well, commitment to do the work.  It could be simply commitment to stay married one more day or one more month….it could be commitment to find healing either one of us or both of us together….or….it could be commitment to learning new and more and better skills….
• And that leads to the third and final point, become a student of marriage.  No one can possibly know all there is to know about marriage, even the professionals and experts.  Your marriage is fluid….it is constantly changing because you are each growing and changing!  So even when you think you finally know what you need to know….finally feel like you “get it”….something will change in your life and new skills could be learned.  And, oh my goodness, there are resources galore out there!  Books, classes, seminars, events, retreats….there are websites….newsletters….blogs….  Start building a library.  A couple good ones (there are SO MANY, this is a drop in the bucket):  Love & Respect, Becoming One, Men are Like Waffles–Women are Like Spaghetti.  Commit to going to a marriage building event once or twice a year.  Find a marriage class in your area.  Attend a marriage building weekend.  Devoting your life to being a perpetual student of marriage, specifically your own, will reap you so many rewards!

What are some marriage books you have read and recommend?  What are some books you would like to read?  What classes have you attended or want to attend?  Has anyone been to a marriage building weekend event?  I recently read about a cruise…how cool would that be?